No Escape?

The work for the day was finished and now I was left to think.  Oh, I hated the calm that came when the distractions of busyness no longer saved me from re-living my memories.  I tried to work myself to exhaustion so that I would have no strength left at the end of the day to stay awake; sometimes it worked, but mostly my thoughts surfaced regardless.

I was 15 now and the haunting past seemed to only grow greater in my mind and heart.  I had tried to escape it so many times, but the guilt - the guilt I knew that was mine fully - only increased. 

Finally, after hours of restlessness, I was able to sleep. 

Rest, however, was not given.  The nightmare came again.

It was so real, like it was happening all over again.  The fire, the screams, the death. 

My throat was burning with smoke as I tried to cry.  It was too late.  My selfishness cost them life.  Mama had told me to turn off the heater in my room, but I didn't want to be cold. 

Just to stay warm... 

It cost them life.  It cost me life.  My existence now was just simply existence... tedious, sad, burdensome existence.

In my stumbling to survive, it seemed that I only made more and more careless mistakes.  Hurting others, not thinking clearly, I repeatedly disappointed those who took me in. 

I was trapped.  Trapped in my past, my misery, my mistakes.

More and more heaped on the pile of my guilt.  As my heart yearned for that pile to diminish, it only grew and accumulated added filth.

It was crushing my chest.

I needed to wake up..... NOW!  My eyes flickered and I felt myself coming to, but something strange happened instead of waking up.

I saw THEM.  I was straining to make out distinguishable forms, but THEY kept flitting and floating and darting.  THEY were luminous and beautiful, enticing and warm.  I was drawn to THEM as if life itself stemmed from THEIR fingers.  THEY were dancing in a circle around me and I could hear song in my ears.  Was it coming from inside my head?  It seemed so.

It was a dance of rejoicing.  I don't know how I could tell this for I had not known joy for a long time.  I was afraid of joy - it hurt too much to lose it that it wasn't worth having to begin with.  I thought of this and began to build a wall of protection against THEM. 

But, THEY did not leave.  The life-dance continued.  The song continued.  THEY did not leave. 

I wondered why THEY were bothering with me.  What did THEY care? 

The song became consuming.  It told of THEM.  It was magnificent.  I was mesmerized.  I forgot about myself, swallowed up in THEM.  THEIR love and energy for one another was absolutely combustible.  There were fireworks going on in THEIR midst. 

I knew that it wasn't me that drew them to me, but it was THEM.  It was about who THEY are.  And THEY did not leave.  THEIR dance began to welcome me, to refresh me and fill me with THEIR love.  Acceptance.  Fully and sure because of THEM, not me - not my mistakes or my wrongs - nothing hindered THEIR acceptance because it was about THEM  and not me.

The burdens and weights that had bound me for so long, my wrong choices and dire consequences that had dragged me into the pit of darkness were loosed because of THEM.

THEIR life-dance exploded with laughter and love spilled over me, THEIR love.

Freedom...