Even though I do not know exactly who I am... I’ve lost myself along the way, I do know who I want to be: His. In some ways this is true now, but in others ways I journey on.
Abiding in Him as He is in God and God in Him, He in me... This is what I long for and only see in part. To surrender all that I know and think about myself and go bare and naked before God with the want and desire to soak up the truth from Him of who I am in Him. And to become the outpouring of His plans for me.
There is a giving up of myself in this, yet in the giving I know a rebirth of life and truth will emerge. Fresh, tender and growing. Real, valid and a genuine ‘fit’ for me. It only seems like a ‘giving up’.
Perhaps this is what someone would call a mid-life crisis. I think that maybe it is more an unveiling of truth; a taking off of the blinders. This life seems to be full of blindfolds. A putting on of distractions and life living that creates in us blindness. We grow dull in our ability to perceive truth and find ourselves drifting in and out of other people’s boxes of who we are supposed to be. A matrix of sorts.
The pain of life seems so tangible and real, yet I wonder if it is because we are too full of ourselves. The seeking for some type of personal fulfillment. Perhaps this fulfillment of the personal type is the great deception. Temporal vs. eternal. Exchanging the unseen for the seen - or even the exchanging the personal for the spiritual. The communal living with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
In that communal living, the abiding with Him, a spiritual co-existence, we would be able to find true fulfillment, not of the personal kind but of the eternal kind - the spiritual dimension kind. Other worldly. In His world, being fully who He intended for me to be as a part of Him.
I am lost without this. Lost. Empty.
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