Disappointment

It can be difficult in a season of challenge to believe that the end will eventually come.  I guess sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.

I am one such - hard to believe it will end person at the moment.  Yet in all of who I am, I NEED it to change.  I need to move out of this season.  It seems that I have done it all here (kicked, screamed, sought, been patient, pleaded. begged, found some good, lived through lots of bad, have continually fought to look at the bright side of the situation.... believed that God was in it, doing His work).

Oh God, what more do You have for me in this season.  Please bring forth 'spring'.

I wonder at putting these words out there.  Am I crying out for help?  Am I seeking sympathy?  From God I guess I am.  But for me, this writing is a way to release this pain from inside me to bring me the ability to go on.  So, I am sorry if you read this; it is for me.  It's not meant to raise a 'response' from anyone.

I want to believe that my season is coming to an end.  I want to believe that just up ahead, just around the riverbend, just over this next ridge, just beyond today.... the change is at hand.  Yet I have been seeking this for so long perhaps I have lost hope, or perhaps I have lost any confidence that it will actually occur.

Just as only the very tip of the iceberg is above water, I tend to think that our vitality is due to our inner being and only the tip is physical.  This season of circumstances is my tip but who I am through it in my inner being is the real issue.  I think I get that.  Yet so much of this season of difficulty is all about the challenges to the inner being.  One perpetuates the other...

And just when I think that there is a change at hand (and for me this has been rapped up in the inner being mostly) it somehow fades without coming - or perhaps I don't have eyes to see clearly.

I'm drowning today in this.  Yet, I believe that I will keep walking, keep seeking, keep longing for that 'light at the end of the tunnel' - the change of this season.  I will live through this disappointment yet again, believing that God does have a change coming in His own timing.  Believing that He will be faithful to complete His work.  Believing that this journey is for our good.  Believing that He will help me to walk according to His Holy Spirit in it, knowing full well that abiding with Him is my answer.