As I thought about what freedom from self meant, I began to wrestle with the idea a little because, quite honestly, I see self as good and bad.
So, let me explain what I mean. What if there was 'true self' and 'enemy in self's clothing'?
Like a wolf in sheeps clothing, so is the enemy in self's clothing. It poses as self, and deceives and manipulates us into thinking and believing that what it wants is coming from self.
True self, on the other hand, is the real deal - a beautiful, unique, handmade child of God. Having wonderful giftings that benefit others as well as providing balanced esteem and value.
There is a genuine beauty in this true self that is not to be confused with the 'enemy in self's clothing'.
The imposter 'self' is where bondage occurs. This enemy is like a spoiled, immature brat that can think only of satisfying its own interests. It screams for attention and sulks when it doesn't receive fulfillment. And when we realize it's ugliness we become repulsed by it - and rightly so.
But somehow it slinks and intertwines with true self in a way that can become confusing. We're convinced that we've got to die to self.... but many times that stinky imposter has ravelled around true self to the point that when we're dying to the imposter self... we're dying to 'true self' too.
This is bad.
True self is who we are - it's who God made us to shine as His creation before Him and before others - it's who we are to be productive and happy - finding joy in others as well as in fulfillment in our part. If we die to this 'self' we are left empty, no longer productive members of the community - simply someone to be shuffled around. There is no longer a sense of accomplishment or joy in contributing something of value.
Have you ever seen a child who was able to 'help' you do something? They absolutely BEAM with the joy of their accomplishment - the joy of contributing. This is true self.
Have you ever seen a child who has been abused into believing that he/she is of no value, that they cannot do anything good.... It is heart renching, sad, terrible, sickening... You feel like screaming in frustration because that child has been robbed of the truth - that they are valuable. Someone has stolen their 'true self'.
In our efforts to find freedom from the bondage from 'enemy in self's clothing' we need to carefully untangle it from 'true self' to make sure that we do not damage what is precious and productive; beautiful.
Getting rid of the imposter self - FREEDOM.
Getting rid of true self - BONDAGE.
About Me
- Leigha
- I am a bit of a loon, searching for more depth in life and seeking more color in living.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Have You Ever?
Have you ever had a longing for something? Maybe a certain kind of home or circumstance or relationship or life?
A dream?
A wish for something that was creating stirring and wanting?
You hope and desire and want for a long time. But, it hasn't happened.
Then you let it go. Trusting.
Freedom.....
Have you ever been consumed with a pain? Bitterness? Anger? Hatred? Offense?
You fret and mull it around and fester?
It swells and becomes larger and larger in your life and heart.
Then you let it go... Trusting.
Freedom.....
A dream?
A wish for something that was creating stirring and wanting?
You hope and desire and want for a long time. But, it hasn't happened.
Then you let it go. Trusting.
Freedom.....
Have you ever been consumed with a pain? Bitterness? Anger? Hatred? Offense?
You fret and mull it around and fester?
It swells and becomes larger and larger in your life and heart.
Then you let it go... Trusting.
Freedom.....
Saturday, August 13, 2011
No Escape?
The work for the day was finished and now I was left to think. Oh, I hated the calm that came when the distractions of busyness no longer saved me from re-living my memories. I tried to work myself to exhaustion so that I would have no strength left at the end of the day to stay awake; sometimes it worked, but mostly my thoughts surfaced regardless.
I was 15 now and the haunting past seemed to only grow greater in my mind and heart. I had tried to escape it so many times, but the guilt - the guilt I knew that was mine fully - only increased.
Finally, after hours of restlessness, I was able to sleep.
Rest, however, was not given. The nightmare came again.
It was so real, like it was happening all over again. The fire, the screams, the death.
My throat was burning with smoke as I tried to cry. It was too late. My selfishness cost them life. Mama had told me to turn off the heater in my room, but I didn't want to be cold.
Just to stay warm...
It cost them life. It cost me life. My existence now was just simply existence... tedious, sad, burdensome existence.
In my stumbling to survive, it seemed that I only made more and more careless mistakes. Hurting others, not thinking clearly, I repeatedly disappointed those who took me in.
I was trapped. Trapped in my past, my misery, my mistakes.
More and more heaped on the pile of my guilt. As my heart yearned for that pile to diminish, it only grew and accumulated added filth.
It was crushing my chest.
I needed to wake up..... NOW! My eyes flickered and I felt myself coming to, but something strange happened instead of waking up.
I saw THEM. I was straining to make out distinguishable forms, but THEY kept flitting and floating and darting. THEY were luminous and beautiful, enticing and warm. I was drawn to THEM as if life itself stemmed from THEIR fingers. THEY were dancing in a circle around me and I could hear song in my ears. Was it coming from inside my head? It seemed so.
It was a dance of rejoicing. I don't know how I could tell this for I had not known joy for a long time. I was afraid of joy - it hurt too much to lose it that it wasn't worth having to begin with. I thought of this and began to build a wall of protection against THEM.
But, THEY did not leave. The life-dance continued. The song continued. THEY did not leave.
I wondered why THEY were bothering with me. What did THEY care?
The song became consuming. It told of THEM. It was magnificent. I was mesmerized. I forgot about myself, swallowed up in THEM. THEIR love and energy for one another was absolutely combustible. There were fireworks going on in THEIR midst.
I knew that it wasn't me that drew them to me, but it was THEM. It was about who THEY are. And THEY did not leave. THEIR dance began to welcome me, to refresh me and fill me with THEIR love. Acceptance. Fully and sure because of THEM, not me - not my mistakes or my wrongs - nothing hindered THEIR acceptance because it was about THEM and not me.
The burdens and weights that had bound me for so long, my wrong choices and dire consequences that had dragged me into the pit of darkness were loosed because of THEM.
THEIR life-dance exploded with laughter and love spilled over me, THEIR love.
Freedom...
I was 15 now and the haunting past seemed to only grow greater in my mind and heart. I had tried to escape it so many times, but the guilt - the guilt I knew that was mine fully - only increased.
Finally, after hours of restlessness, I was able to sleep.
Rest, however, was not given. The nightmare came again.
It was so real, like it was happening all over again. The fire, the screams, the death.
My throat was burning with smoke as I tried to cry. It was too late. My selfishness cost them life. Mama had told me to turn off the heater in my room, but I didn't want to be cold.
Just to stay warm...
It cost them life. It cost me life. My existence now was just simply existence... tedious, sad, burdensome existence.
In my stumbling to survive, it seemed that I only made more and more careless mistakes. Hurting others, not thinking clearly, I repeatedly disappointed those who took me in.
I was trapped. Trapped in my past, my misery, my mistakes.
More and more heaped on the pile of my guilt. As my heart yearned for that pile to diminish, it only grew and accumulated added filth.
It was crushing my chest.
I needed to wake up..... NOW! My eyes flickered and I felt myself coming to, but something strange happened instead of waking up.
I saw THEM. I was straining to make out distinguishable forms, but THEY kept flitting and floating and darting. THEY were luminous and beautiful, enticing and warm. I was drawn to THEM as if life itself stemmed from THEIR fingers. THEY were dancing in a circle around me and I could hear song in my ears. Was it coming from inside my head? It seemed so.
It was a dance of rejoicing. I don't know how I could tell this for I had not known joy for a long time. I was afraid of joy - it hurt too much to lose it that it wasn't worth having to begin with. I thought of this and began to build a wall of protection against THEM.
But, THEY did not leave. The life-dance continued. The song continued. THEY did not leave.
I wondered why THEY were bothering with me. What did THEY care?
The song became consuming. It told of THEM. It was magnificent. I was mesmerized. I forgot about myself, swallowed up in THEM. THEIR love and energy for one another was absolutely combustible. There were fireworks going on in THEIR midst.
I knew that it wasn't me that drew them to me, but it was THEM. It was about who THEY are. And THEY did not leave. THEIR dance began to welcome me, to refresh me and fill me with THEIR love. Acceptance. Fully and sure because of THEM, not me - not my mistakes or my wrongs - nothing hindered THEIR acceptance because it was about THEM and not me.
The burdens and weights that had bound me for so long, my wrong choices and dire consequences that had dragged me into the pit of darkness were loosed because of THEM.
THEIR life-dance exploded with laughter and love spilled over me, THEIR love.
Freedom...
Monday, August 8, 2011
Out of the Darkness
I was shivering, craddled up in a ball trying to keep out the encircling frost. It was dark and I considered the idea that I may not live through another night. Eyes were of no use in the blackness as I reached for grass, leaves, anything that might wrap a little warmth around me.
"This darkness is my tomb." I spoke in a whisper for who knew what might be close enough to hear, what might be lurking within reach of me. I almost didn't care, my flicker of hope was diminishing, like the blackness might have chewed it little by little until there was only a crumb left. Despair.
My teeth we chattering and I wrapped my own arms around myself hoping to find some type of comfort. I began to speak to myself about hanging on and about letting go, waging war over which one was the better choice. I was so tired, my body ready to stop the bitter fight for life. I felt the end was near, like a black hand enclosing tightly around my throat.
Something flickered. Was that my mind playing tricks? They were used to the darkness. No. I saw a gleam of white dazzle in a stream from above to just in front of me. Maybe the end had come and I was no longer in reality. It felt real as my body responded to the warmth that seeped from the light. It wasn't bright but seemed to linger with a dim illumination warming me gradually; making my eyes adjust at a pace they could handle. Aaahh.
Baffled, I could not decide if I was alive or dead or simply dreaming. The warmth felt so real. Actually, the warmth was more real and intense than the light. It felt as though I was thawing out in front of a fireplace. My body was slowly emerging from the long cold and the warmth spread to the inner parts igniting the tinders of longing.
I'd forgotten what longing was, I had so long been imprisioned in the blackness that it had been snuffed out. It was powerful, so much so that I became frightened by it. I almost uttered, "Go away" but the warmth was too soothing; I could not give it up.
It began to intensify in brightness and I could see. Really see, not pretend to see what things looked like, but really see. Amazed.
The warmth and energy of the light brought birth to a display of beauty. I could feel that my mouth was hanging open in wonder; my eyes we big saucers as I gazed. Is this real? I must be dead, the darkness must have gained victory over me.
The vision that the light made possible began to gather songs from my soul. Songs? I'd forgotten songs. I could see the pathways that were cut beautifully in the midst of the thick tangled forest; pathways that I did not know existed. I had spent countless tedious, energy-zapping hours traipsing through the brush when all along there were pathways!
My heart was full of something that I could not describe to be either happy or sad, but a odd mixture of both. The light continued to unveil before my eyes the marvels of what I was unable to see in the great darkness. It was dizzying, amazing, beautiful, instilling a new pounding in my heart; an awakining. It was calling to me to rise.
As I contemplated the state of my physical condition and wondered if I even had the ability to stand on my own feet, something miraculous began to happen. Quickly, without time for me to respond, the light became condensed and filled me. Yes, actually went in and through me. It was beyond description. Energy, warmth, song, dance, vitality, hope, healing, supplying. Love.
Filled with power that the light had generated in me, I began to live out of the darkness.
Freedom....
"This darkness is my tomb." I spoke in a whisper for who knew what might be close enough to hear, what might be lurking within reach of me. I almost didn't care, my flicker of hope was diminishing, like the blackness might have chewed it little by little until there was only a crumb left. Despair.
My teeth we chattering and I wrapped my own arms around myself hoping to find some type of comfort. I began to speak to myself about hanging on and about letting go, waging war over which one was the better choice. I was so tired, my body ready to stop the bitter fight for life. I felt the end was near, like a black hand enclosing tightly around my throat.
Something flickered. Was that my mind playing tricks? They were used to the darkness. No. I saw a gleam of white dazzle in a stream from above to just in front of me. Maybe the end had come and I was no longer in reality. It felt real as my body responded to the warmth that seeped from the light. It wasn't bright but seemed to linger with a dim illumination warming me gradually; making my eyes adjust at a pace they could handle. Aaahh.
Baffled, I could not decide if I was alive or dead or simply dreaming. The warmth felt so real. Actually, the warmth was more real and intense than the light. It felt as though I was thawing out in front of a fireplace. My body was slowly emerging from the long cold and the warmth spread to the inner parts igniting the tinders of longing.
I'd forgotten what longing was, I had so long been imprisioned in the blackness that it had been snuffed out. It was powerful, so much so that I became frightened by it. I almost uttered, "Go away" but the warmth was too soothing; I could not give it up.
It began to intensify in brightness and I could see. Really see, not pretend to see what things looked like, but really see. Amazed.
The warmth and energy of the light brought birth to a display of beauty. I could feel that my mouth was hanging open in wonder; my eyes we big saucers as I gazed. Is this real? I must be dead, the darkness must have gained victory over me.
The vision that the light made possible began to gather songs from my soul. Songs? I'd forgotten songs. I could see the pathways that were cut beautifully in the midst of the thick tangled forest; pathways that I did not know existed. I had spent countless tedious, energy-zapping hours traipsing through the brush when all along there were pathways!
My heart was full of something that I could not describe to be either happy or sad, but a odd mixture of both. The light continued to unveil before my eyes the marvels of what I was unable to see in the great darkness. It was dizzying, amazing, beautiful, instilling a new pounding in my heart; an awakining. It was calling to me to rise.
As I contemplated the state of my physical condition and wondered if I even had the ability to stand on my own feet, something miraculous began to happen. Quickly, without time for me to respond, the light became condensed and filled me. Yes, actually went in and through me. It was beyond description. Energy, warmth, song, dance, vitality, hope, healing, supplying. Love.
Filled with power that the light had generated in me, I began to live out of the darkness.
Freedom....
Saturday, August 6, 2011
FREEDOM!
Most of us have seen portrayals and read accounts of what people have sacrificed for freedom. Some of us have experienced some tiny consequences in our search for freedom, but I am fairly sure that most of us have a minuscule understanding of this.
I've read many accounts of this in history. If you're looking for examples, read 'Safely Home' by Randy Alcorn or 'Rory' can't remember the author, but so worth the read. These two are simply the first ones that come to mind - there are MANY others. Watch Braveheart or other such movies.
It seems to me that I, living the life that I've lived, have a very difficult time relating to the value of freedom and the fight for it. I'm thinking about this because I've been considering the meaning of John 8:36 where Jesus says, "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
Because I'm a 'list' kind of person, I started making a list of things that perhaps Jesus was referring to here.
As I read through John 8, I found the following.
Things that I think Jesus has set me free from:
DARKNESS (verse12)
JUDGEMENT ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, CONDEMNATION (verse 15)
BONDAGE TO THIS WORLD (verse 23)
FALSEHOOD, DECEPTIONS, LIES (verse 32)
SIN (verse34)
THE DEVIL (verse 44)
DEAFNESS/BLINDNESS (verse 47)
SELF (verse 50)
DEATH (verse 51)
Things that I think Jesus freed me to:
LIGHT OF LIFE (verse 12)
DWELLING WITHOUT FEAR IN HIS PRESENCE (verse 15)
TRUTH (verse 32)
TRANSFORMATION BY SONSHIP AND THE INDWELLING HOLY SPIRIT (verse 34)
GOD'S LOVE (verse 44)
REVELATION (verse 47)
HIS GLORY (verse 50)
LIFE (verse 51)
Now, I'm just trying to wrap my puny brain around this idea of freedom. Bear with me cause sometimes it takes me on an extended 'journey' to get anywhere. This idea of freedom has grabbed hold of me and I need to work it out (at least to the best of my current ability). Are you up for the ride?
Feel free to interject ideas and thoughts, it would be helpful to me.
I've read many accounts of this in history. If you're looking for examples, read 'Safely Home' by Randy Alcorn or 'Rory' can't remember the author, but so worth the read. These two are simply the first ones that come to mind - there are MANY others. Watch Braveheart or other such movies.
It seems to me that I, living the life that I've lived, have a very difficult time relating to the value of freedom and the fight for it. I'm thinking about this because I've been considering the meaning of John 8:36 where Jesus says, "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
Because I'm a 'list' kind of person, I started making a list of things that perhaps Jesus was referring to here.
As I read through John 8, I found the following.
Things that I think Jesus has set me free from:
DARKNESS (verse12)
JUDGEMENT ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, CONDEMNATION (verse 15)
BONDAGE TO THIS WORLD (verse 23)
FALSEHOOD, DECEPTIONS, LIES (verse 32)
SIN (verse34)
THE DEVIL (verse 44)
DEAFNESS/BLINDNESS (verse 47)
SELF (verse 50)
DEATH (verse 51)
Things that I think Jesus freed me to:
LIGHT OF LIFE (verse 12)
DWELLING WITHOUT FEAR IN HIS PRESENCE (verse 15)
TRUTH (verse 32)
TRANSFORMATION BY SONSHIP AND THE INDWELLING HOLY SPIRIT (verse 34)
GOD'S LOVE (verse 44)
REVELATION (verse 47)
HIS GLORY (verse 50)
LIFE (verse 51)
Now, I'm just trying to wrap my puny brain around this idea of freedom. Bear with me cause sometimes it takes me on an extended 'journey' to get anywhere. This idea of freedom has grabbed hold of me and I need to work it out (at least to the best of my current ability). Are you up for the ride?
Feel free to interject ideas and thoughts, it would be helpful to me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Perspective
I met a man, he was called Perspective. As I talked to him I realized that he was part of me.
"How do you know that you're right?" I asked
"Because it only makes sense." He replied
As I watched him, I could see that Perspective did not have very good eye sight. I could tell that he didn't hear well all the time and I wondered at the faith he had in his impaired senses.
I wondered how he possibly could trust the accuracy of information due to his limitations.
So, I asked again, "How do you know you're right?"
"It's obvious, how could you think anything else?" he countered.
He is blind, I thought. Stubborn. I felt sorry for him. I also was angry at his arrogance and stupidity and how it injured others.
Then I remembered that he was part of me.
"How do you know that you're right?" I asked
"Because it only makes sense." He replied
As I watched him, I could see that Perspective did not have very good eye sight. I could tell that he didn't hear well all the time and I wondered at the faith he had in his impaired senses.
I wondered how he possibly could trust the accuracy of information due to his limitations.
So, I asked again, "How do you know you're right?"
"It's obvious, how could you think anything else?" he countered.
He is blind, I thought. Stubborn. I felt sorry for him. I also was angry at his arrogance and stupidity and how it injured others.
Then I remembered that he was part of me.
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