Finding Joy

There are many things that affect our happiness.  The list is actually quite long and unique for each of us.

It seems that we are tossed to and fro by the circumstances of life; these circumstances thrusting us either toward joy or away from it.  Circumstances.  Are we defined by our circumstances or is our character strong enough to surpass the circumstances and shine through no matter what?

How can we deal with the changing elements of our lives without being dramatically tossed about?  How can we have an emotional consistency that remains unaffected?  This is something to be considered.

I would encourage you to take some time to write out a list of things that you think contribute to your happiness. You know that I will do this before the next post, because I love lists. Actually, they do help me sort through things.

When you've finished your list go back through that list and ask yourself, "What is absolutely necessary in my life for my happiness?"  Cross any things off the list that you don't view as MUST HAVES.

Take a few days to think over what is left on your list. Don't be afraid to ask yourself some tough questions to make sure that you agree with your list.

As we both walk through this process, I hope that we will find out what is important to us and learn together how to bring greater stability to our joy and happiness.

The Simple Things

I received a card from my Grandmother a few years ago; on the cover of the card it read,
"The best things in Life aren't things."

Oh, so true!

But, oddly, sometimes we act like those PEOPLE around us that are the best things in life, need to be pushed aside/put off because someTHING is demanding our attention.

I was truly blessed this past week by some tender little moments with those in my life that aren't things:

Cuddling on the couch with 2 little boys, reading books together.  They give their love so richly and fully; freely, uninhibited.  Life doesn't get much better!

Getting an earful from daughter #1 about what she is discovering about life and herself.  A friend, sharing her heart, willing to risk her thoughts to my ears.  Life doesn't get much better!

Laughter from a tired daughter #2 who has lost her voice due to a cold.  The smile, the joy, the fun.  Life doesn't get much better!

"Hi Mom."  on the phone from son #1 who is away at school.  A little sputtering and ho humming and sharing what's going on in his life.  Life doesn't get much better!

The cracking voice of 13 year old son #2 saying "Yes, ma'am" in earnest, wanting to please and be helpful.  Such a small thing set in the huge setting of a boy turning into a man, yet having a tender heart toward his mama.  Life doesn't get much better!

Watching 'Castle' with daughter #3, enjoying the suspense together (or at least her enjoying me being full of suspense).  Laughing together, being together, living life together.  Her looks that say, "Oh, mother, I'll take you as you are and laugh with you as well as at you."  Life doesn't get much better!

Snuggling with the warmth of MH on the cold nights, knowing that he loves me and wants to live life together with me, working out the challenges and obstacles and seeking to grow in life and love... cemented.  Life doesn't get much better!

Boy, there are challenges, and I find that I must FIGHT for those 'simple things' that are the most important and BEST things in life - the people that I live life with.  For them, I will fight to keep what's important, important - for them and for me.

These are the simple things that create a world filled with joy.

Hope

Sometimes the ceaseless toiling that comes with life can become a veil of sorts and dim our vision towards hope.

My oldest daughter said something the other day that has been lingering around in my brain since then, (mom paraphrase) 'We should read things looking for the good/positive/meaningful not the bad/negative/damaging.  If we look for and find the good, we'll remember it.  But if we are looking for the bad, we will only remember the bad for it will overshadow the good.'

We were speaking of reading material, but isn't life like that as well?

There is so much positive, if we are looking for it.  But if our antennae is up to locate the negative, guess what we'll locate?  And when we locate the negative, many times it 'veils' the positive.

And hope diminishes.

 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

This is a verse that generates power into my heart, power to hope, power to be filled with hope - because God is a God of hope who gives us the power of the Holy Spirit.  This instills the joy and peace in my journey.

I can walk out of the veil of toiling and into the joy of living.

I do pray that I will not get caught in the veil, that my face will be up-turned, basking in the Sonshine that emanates from His glory and love.  Becoming filled with that peace and joy in basking, then radiating that heat energy into the lives of those around me.  The positive life-joy that comes from lingering in Him, the great hope Giver.

She was

As I rushed here and there grabbing this and that and stuffing them where they needed to go.  I knew I had only moments to finish this task that needed to be done.  It was difficult to think beyond the simple details of what needed to go and what should stay.  It was consuming really and for an instant I saw just how crazy it was; the little things of life shadowing out the important things of life... but I couldn't actually stop to think about it because the time was ticking away.

With one last frantic glace at the clock, I closed the suitcase and headed to the door.  My flight would be leaving in just 2 hours and I knew that security would create a zoo, so off I sped.

Thankfully, the airport was only a short drive away and my faculties were now addressing the weaving traffic.  It was consuming really, this driving in traffic and for an instant I saw just how crazy it was being on the roller coaster ride of the interstate...but I couldn't actually stop to think about it because if I didn't give the road my attention, I wouldn't make it to the airport in one piece.

With a sigh of relief I turned into the airport parking lot.  Jumping out, making a quick assessment that I had emptied out the necessary items that I needed to take with me, I locked the car and briskly headed for the airport entrance.  My mind was filled with thoughts of what was next and working through the logic of becoming prepared.  It was consuming really this being prepared for the next thing and for an instant I saw how crazy it was being busy planning all the time...but I couldn't stop to think about it because the next thing was upon me already.

I made my way through the door towing the burdens in my luggage and supporting the ones on my mind.  I took in the panorama of the busy lines at the check-in and my mind seemed to be alerted to something 'wrong'.  What was it?  I had no idea consciously.  But something was tugging at me, signalling a red flag.  I instinctively began to slow all of my processes down in an attempt to figure out what was amiss.  Then I saw her, curled up in a corner.  She was wearing a ragged red coat.  She was obviously crying and I peered around to see if anyone was caring for her; I did not see anyone taking any notice of her.

For a moment I waged a war with myself trying to argue for and against becoming side-tracked.  The responsibilities I had should be kept; there were others counting on me...  Suddenly, like the zooming in of a camera, I was zooming in on me, untangling the rambling of life with the importance of living.  I saw something ugly in that rambling of life, something that was consuming me AWAY from the importance of living.
I let go of my burdens, took a moment to stop and think and walked to that corner where she was.

The Journey

I was driving the other day and saw a bumper sticker (I know, not another bumper sticker post!). 

It read:

"I had a life... My job ate it"

I thought this funny and sadly a little true in many lives.  Then I began thinking on it a bit. 

It seems like there are many who 'live for the weekend' - TGIF right?  Trudging through the working hours just to get to the 'happy' hours.  Sacrificing at the job to bring home a pay check, put food on the table, do a few fun things (maybe if  you're lucky).  The fulfillment of life turns into what we can get out of the 'off' hours.

Perhaps this whole cultural attitude and lifestyle needs some introspection! 

Do we simply work for the benefits (the end - the $) and not for the benefit of the work itself?

What does this say about us?

If we find little to no pleasure, purpose, fulfillment in our work, could something be amiss?

Is it possible to love your work?

How can we engage in something that provides for us and that we love?

Would this change our cultural TGIFing?

Perhaps we should consider what the JOURNEY of life is all about.  Is it only those hours when you're not on the job?  I wonder if we're missing out by not taking each aspect of our life journey as a vital part in our joy.

Think about it.  What if our job brought us joy and freedom to express who God wants us to be?  To love and care for those in our midst?  What if instead of our jobs hindering our pleasure, we sought to see it and MAKE it pleasure?

Our work should be like a springboard not quicksand.  It should be a part of our journey that we seize and make the most of to generate productivity toward our life purpose and fulfillment... a true outlet for serving where we are meant to in being a healthy part of community; a place and time to live His love among those around us.

Hmmm...

Hair-Brained Ideas

I'm not sure where this term came from, but I sure know all about it's meaning.

I would consider myself a 'queen' of hair-brained ideas.  I've gotten myself into all kinds mischief with my 'cockamamee' plans.  I don't know how it all started for me - when I was just a kid for sure.  I recall many  light-bulb moments when the flash of an idea popped into my brain.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you look at it) I usually found my 'ideas' sensational and acted upon many of them! 

Things like turning the old chicken coop at Grandma's into a playhouse!

Shooting bottles that we found with b-b guns - on someone else's property!

Jumping off the roof of the barn into the snowbank!

Making a fort 3 whole fields away from the house instead of in the first group of woods!

Trapping muskrats in Grandpa's pond for money!

Riding a skateboard down the huge hill not far from my house!

The painted bedroom walls that I let all my friends design and paint their names on and then painted a full wall clown face on one as well (that was still there when my parents sold the house - poor people).

At least 1/4 of the things I cook.  And certainly 1/2 of my dessert ideas.

Most of my 'decorating' ideas - these mostly are worse because I have questionable decorating sense to begin with, so my hair-brained ideas usually turn out extra questionable - like the swinging chair that swallowed people up and ruined the ceiling!

My wedding dress, turned into a summer dress for daughter #3, oh yeah, still working on that because I've lost patience with it for now.

Oh, did I mention the decorating ideas???  The huge quilt (and I mean HUGE) that I made for our king size bed with leaves of varied sizes, shapes and colors appliqued on the top with shiny GOLD thread!!!  I was just recently musing about how I could re-model that to a usable state.

Christmas present ideas!  Oh yeah, I could spill the beans on some of those! 

On and on and on...

And MH is usually so patient with these.  He usually gives me a look (which should alert me to my hair-brained idea issues - but doesn't).

Now, I have one daughter in particular that seems to have some hair-brained idea DNA as well.  She planned and constructed a Tepee (yes of the native american style) last year.  Not just any ole Tepee, but one of sizable proportions (about 20 ft. diameter and that tall as well).  And now, she's planning on constructing a sweat lodge (again, of the native american style).

I say, "GO FOR IT." 

Hair-brained ideas are exciting, fun, adventuresome, risky, daring, fulfilling (sometimes), educational (sometimes), memorable, memorable, memorable.... and you learn so much from them!

I guess that's the crazy in me.

"My Religion is Loving Kindness"

I was running out to the car in the rain and I caught sight of a bumper sticker.  I didn't stop to really look at it (cuz of the rain) but I caught the words, "MY RELIGION IS LOVING KINDNESS"

I've thought a lot about that since then. 

Now, I'm not encouraging the throwing out of all doctrine, etc. but the bumper sticker has a point!  Loving kindness is VITAL.  There is much 'debatable' doctrine and many things that separate and cause division that has nothing to do with loving kindness and much to do about not having loving kindness.

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing."

-1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Ok, if you really read this and believe it, doesn't this say that love is supreme?  Even overtops some very amazing other things?

So, at the end of the day I want to look back and ask, "Did I love today?"  And if that answer is yes, then I will consider my day a success.

 

Legacy

When I first thought of the importance of legacy, I sort of dismissed it as pompous.  But the more that I think about it, the more important that I consider it.

Considering the impact of my existence, legacy is the key!  If I live and die and do great things, but leave none of who I am invested in others... then really, what have I accomplished? 

Some people seem to leave their 'legacy' mark on large numbers of people (ie Billy Graham or George Washington or CS Lewis or Jane Austin or Isaac Newton...) Others seem to leave their life contributions on a small intimate group; close friends, family, children...

I'd like to think that I somehow could impact anyone who I encounter (some people do), but I don't believe that He has equipped me in this way.  So, for me I need to concentrate on investing me into those who I am in intimate relationships with.

I am who I am because of who God has made me and how I have been shaped by those who I have lived life with (which I would also put in the 'who God has made me' category).  I am my own person, but I do feel like a mixed drink - meaning if my mom were a red drink, I'd have a significant portion of that poured into my glass and if my dad were blue, I'd be tinted in that shade.  And I would have differing amounts of liquids poured into my cup by different people that have shared/impacted my life.

There is an amazing feeling of strength and hope that I feel as I consider those who have become part of who I am.  Those whose kind words soothed my soul and molded me.  Whose loving touch secured me.  Whose encouraging challenge thrust me forward.  Whose enduring patience continues to awaken perseverance in me even as I remember.  Whose wild laughter sparked hope.  Whose smile generated peace.  Strength upon strength comes to me as a result of those before me.

There is something precious in this; precious and powerful!

I can remember feeling so sad when my grandmother died, sad for my kids that they would never get to benefit from her loving kindness.  She was such a beautiful, loving person who left her mark on all who she touched.  As I was lamenting for my children, I felt the Lord speak into my ear, "They will not miss out because you have in you part of her and can be to your children what she was to you."

That's legacy.

Part of my life purpose is to live, engage, and invest in my children my legacy.  Right now it is a HUGE part of my life purpose because of what season I am in.  I want to give parts of myself to them to build and strengthen them and provide generational 'roots.'  Roots that are pillars of the encompassing positive attributes of all who have been poured into me.

I know that when you pour colored liquids together, they typically mix into some murky grey or brown.  I like to think of my 'life glass' of mixed legacies as a beautiful, multi-colored, brilliant, crazy, fantastic, varied, bold 'drink' that did not become dull and murky but somehow maintained each separate color while becoming one.

Yes, I am seeking.  Seeking to leave a legacy.

As I consider who I am and the failings that I possess, this task is daunting and I can easily give way to condemnation, yet I cling to the secure hope that He will not fail.

We are Seekers

Hmmmm?  Is this true?  Is this part of our nature?

Am I seeking?  What am I seeking?

Careful here, cuz your answer could be revealing (I'm talking to myself here).  Do you really want to know?

Ok, start making your silly lists.

What am I seeking:
Meaning/Purpose - which in turn gives an avenue toward fulfillment
Legacy
Value
Joy
Relationship (with God and with man)
Peace
Enlightenment

Ok, considering this list, I think that really I could begin with RELATIONSHIP and everything else would fall under that one category:

Relationship (with God and with man)
 - Meaning/Purpose
 - Legacy
 - Value
 - Joy
 - Peace
 - Enlightenment

What about me, just as me, an individual? etc... Well, I find my identity wrapped up spiritually with who I am in God, so 'just me' would fall under my relationship with God.

That's my list... I guess the next questions should be, 'Am I seeking these things?'  'How so?

Skinny Dipping?

The other day I was sitting at a coffee shop with two of my daughters.  My mind had been thinking about something, as sometimes is the case, and I wanted to get some outside thoughts... Now, sometimes I have to admit I think about strange stuff.  But, hey, if the kids don't know by now....

So, I let the 'weird' question fly, "Hey, would you guys ever go skinny dipping?"

My line of thinking was not all about skinny dipping, but rather about our inhibitions and what creates them and how they affect our decisions and our thoughts about ourselves...

I got the inevitable, 'mom you are crazy' look from them.  They must be on pins and needles half the time wondering what odd thing I'll say next (unfortunately, this is not an isolated event).  Maybe my brain has been injured and these 'hair-brained' thoughts are a result; I don't know...

Anyway, after the blank stare for a moment, I pried, "Well?"

"Nope, never - I don't even dress in front of anybody." 

A nod of agreement from daughter #2.

There is a temptation to think thoughts like, 'How wonderfully modest they are...' but I found myself asking, "Why are they so self-conscious?"  Like even in an appropriate setting (if there is such a thing - I guess I think that there could be) - why are they so adamant about not stripping off the outer shell? 

I'm partially trying to explain why I was asking such a question when daughter #1 pipes up and asks, "Mom, are you going through an identity crisis?"

Can't get anything past them!

"Well, maybe" I say.

I have been thinking about how much of what we do is a reflection of what others think... and if I was in the company of a small group of women, would I feel comfortable enough with who I am on the inside to strip off the outside?  Hmmm?  I know - weird.  I know that the whole nude/sexual/sensuous thing is a big NO NO for many conservative thinkers, but in this context I'm just considering (without there being any inappropriate acting or thinking in that realm) What would I do?  And, more importantly, WHY?

If I am secure with who I am, why would I care if someone saw me without clothes?  Again, let's try to keep this hypothetical questioning in the 'all things appropriate' mode.

Isn't my biggest concern, 'what will others think of my breaking down, bare, no way to cover it up, body?'  My, no way to hide flaws?

Would I struggle with comparing and feeling ashamed and embarrassed over what's true about my outside or would I enjoy the inside of others as well as my own? 

If the outside were no longer an issue, would we be able to focus better on the inside?

I am confident that this hypothetical situation probably doesn't occur very often (in the appropriate context that I'm referring to) in reality - but could it? 

I'm leaning on the 'it could' and possibly even the 'it should'.  Because I would want to be able to celebrate the inner beauty that God has manifested in each one of us - without the taintedness that comes from the putting on of the 'cover'.

Two Ways to Look at Life

The steady crash of the waves on the shore
Determined to unsteady my stance
Come and come and come some more
Pounding mercilessly, knocking, knocking, knocking
Mocking me as I work to stay secure
Wearying

Smiling I race and play
In those same waves crashing in at me
Basking in the sun's ray
Taking in the beauty of the sea
Savoring the reminder of His constant force
Refreshing

Freedom in the Balance

As with all, there is a right 'balance' with freedom.  When the balance is right, we live in freedom.  When that balance is off, we live in chains (whether we're aware or not).

What balance am I referring to?

I guess it's a fairly complex yet simple thing this balance is.  Complex in the sense of not BLACK and WHITE and always the same, but of living in a way that is right in the moment and led by the indwelling power of Him who only knows the right balance in every situation. 

Simple in the sense of having ears to hear and the character to follow that indwelling power (not full of self-proclaimed wisdom and knowledge, understanding and sound doctrine so that you can figure out the right thing to do, but simply be able to listen/hear and do).

If we live in this way, freedom reigns.  Even if all hell has broke loose in the midst, this freedom will reign.

I wonder if we get certain notions in our minds of what things look like and when they do not unfold like we've envisioned them, then we dismiss them as invalid.  Perhaps this is the case with our ideas of what freedom looks like.  I have come to the conclusion that freedom is something that can look like many different things, but if it comes at the direction of an unfailing, always perfectly balanced Father, it is truly freedom.

If we get our hearts set on a particular idea, I wonder at our ability to be able to hear His voice.  Why would we even be listening?  If we already knew?  This black and white type of living - having some justifiable understanding of 'righteousness' is scary indeed.  Where is the need for an indwelling Holy Spirit that guides and directs us in the moment? 

I'm not trying to be so fru fru here to suggest living without conviction, but think about it.

Does God inspire you  the same way every time you come face to face with similar situations? 

No. 

Sometimes when a child disobeys you discipline him/her through some form of punishment (stand in the corner, time out, extra chores...) and sometimes for the same type of disobedience you feel led to pick him/her up in your lap and sit down and love on him/her and share an illustration revealing the wrong that he/she had done....

We need to listen to His voice, without the pre-assumed notions of the black and white of right and wrong - so that we can hear and listen and be free to do the right thing in the right moment, cuz, let's face it, we're all a bit DENSE when it comes to doing what's right.

Perhaps we need to consider coming down off our high horses of self-righteousness, thinking we've got some type of sound doctrine of living right when what we need to do is humble ourselves to be seeking Him in our moment by moment decisions and actions - being led by Him and not by our own failable judgements.

Again, this isn't a live in the wind fru fru 'whatever' lifestyle that I'm talking about, but one where there is a swelling up of the indwelling Spirit to guide us to live a balanced FREEDOM.

Remember the Silver Surfer?

Ok, this is a random post and it's ok, cuz it's random post day here at my house!

I have been finding myself a little 'heavy laden' with the cares of life.  You know those really good friends that you might have that love you enough to slap you in the face if you need it??? 

Well, I have been slapped.

And rightly so. 

By the Friend of sinners.  We think of Him so often as gentle, but I can tell you that He'll slap you when you need it.

Why am I bogged down with life when He has promised to take my burdens?

I'm just refusing to give them over.  Waaa...waaaa. waahhhh cuz I guess I like to cry and feel sorry for myself.

Ok, so I have the picture of the Silver Surfer from the movie 'The Fantastic Four'.  If you haven't seen it, well, it's not great, but this picture is worth the watch....

The Silver Surfer is riding around using this incredible POWER.  When someone starts analyzing where this power is coming from they realize that it's from the surfboard.  So, the dude is impotent without being connected to the surfboard.  When he is securely placed upon the surfboard, WAHLAH - POWER.

I have this memory of seeing him stoop down and grab hold of a 'power ball' that has come from the board.

Of course, if he is removed from the board, he is just a weak nothing.

I live a parallel type of existence with Jesus.  He is my source of POWER and if I would simply stay connected and use the power that He has available to me, I would find that I could journey this life without so much boo hooing on my part. 

Thanks for the slap, Jesus.

I hope that it's a lot longer before I need another one - cuz You and I both know that You have to keep whacking me now and again when I start stepping off that board.

Death

My four year old was playing under the table.  I heard him talking and wondered what he was doing.  So I asked, "hey, who are you talking to?"  "Death" he replied.

Should a mother panic at this point???

"Who?"

"My friend, Death" he maintained as innocent as can be.

He continued with his 'imaginary' friend 'Death' for several years.  I can't think of any reason for him to be preoccupied with death.  There had not been any deaths in our family that would have given him a abnormal obsession with death.  There has never been a concerning element to this 'friendship' that he had with his imaginary friend.  Although I cannot recall any of my other children having imaginary friends like this, the way that he spoke and interacted with his friend 'Death' gave me no reason for concern.

I wondered at this.  I thought about how weirdly beautiful it was.  He found joy in this relationship.   I questioned whether there was something that I could learn from it.


I guess it can be challenging to consider death and freedom together.   Most people fear death.  Our survival instincts are amazingly powerful!  Death is not something that we pursue or even look forward to.  I am not equating death with freedom in that aspect.  But could there be freedom in death, or in the absence of the fear of death, or both?

Do you think that fearing death could produce bondage?

Sure.

Do you think that receiving death when it comes without fear would be freeing?

Sure.

Do you think that living in a way where we have no barriers of fear directing our decisions and actions speaks of living in freedom?

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me."
Psalm 23:4

Could I, like Esther, walk down that 'shadow' because it was right regardless of the risk to my life?

Being free to make the right choices because we are not bound by the fear of death, is FREEDOM.

Could I, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego choose death over compromise?

Isn't this real freedom - when you're free to do what you believe is right no matter the consequences?

Two Types of Self

As I thought about what freedom from self meant, I began to wrestle with the idea a little because, quite honestly, I see self as good and bad.

So, let me explain what I mean.  What if there was 'true self' and 'enemy in self's clothing'?

Like a wolf in sheeps clothing, so is the enemy in self's clothing.  It poses as self, and deceives and manipulates us into thinking and believing that what it wants is coming from self.

True self, on the other hand, is the real deal - a beautiful, unique, handmade child of God.  Having wonderful giftings that benefit others as well as providing balanced esteem and value.

There is a genuine beauty in this true self that is not to be confused with the 'enemy in self's clothing'. 

The imposter 'self' is where bondage occurs.  This enemy is like a spoiled, immature brat that can think only of satisfying its own interests.  It screams for attention and sulks when it doesn't receive fulfillment.  And when we realize it's ugliness we become repulsed by it - and rightly so. 

But somehow it slinks and intertwines with true self in a way that can become confusing.  We're convinced that we've got to die to self.... but many times that stinky imposter has ravelled around true self to the point that when we're dying to the imposter self... we're dying to 'true self' too.

This is bad.

True self is who we are - it's who God made us to shine as His creation before Him and before others - it's who we are to be productive and happy - finding joy in others as well as in fulfillment in our part.  If we die to this 'self' we are left empty, no longer productive members of the community - simply someone to be shuffled around.  There is no longer a sense of accomplishment or joy in contributing something of value.

Have you ever seen a child who was able to 'help' you do something?  They absolutely BEAM with the joy of their accomplishment - the joy of contributing.  This is true self.

Have you ever seen a child who has been abused into believing that he/she is of no value,  that they cannot do anything good....  It is heart renching, sad, terrible, sickening...  You feel like screaming in frustration because that child has been robbed of the truth - that they are valuable.  Someone has stolen their 'true self'. 

In our efforts to find freedom from the bondage from 'enemy in self's clothing' we need to carefully untangle it from 'true self' to make sure that we do not damage what is precious and productive; beautiful.

Getting rid of the imposter self - FREEDOM.

Getting rid of true self - BONDAGE.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever had a longing for something?  Maybe a certain kind of home or circumstance or relationship or life?

A dream?

A wish for something that was creating stirring and wanting?

You hope and desire and want for a long time.  But, it hasn't happened.

Then you let it go.  Trusting.

Freedom.....


Have you ever been consumed with a pain?  Bitterness?  Anger?  Hatred?  Offense?

You fret and mull it around and fester?

It swells and becomes larger and larger in your life and heart.

Then you let it go... Trusting.

Freedom.....

No Escape?

The work for the day was finished and now I was left to think.  Oh, I hated the calm that came when the distractions of busyness no longer saved me from re-living my memories.  I tried to work myself to exhaustion so that I would have no strength left at the end of the day to stay awake; sometimes it worked, but mostly my thoughts surfaced regardless.

I was 15 now and the haunting past seemed to only grow greater in my mind and heart.  I had tried to escape it so many times, but the guilt - the guilt I knew that was mine fully - only increased. 

Finally, after hours of restlessness, I was able to sleep. 

Rest, however, was not given.  The nightmare came again.

It was so real, like it was happening all over again.  The fire, the screams, the death. 

My throat was burning with smoke as I tried to cry.  It was too late.  My selfishness cost them life.  Mama had told me to turn off the heater in my room, but I didn't want to be cold. 

Just to stay warm... 

It cost them life.  It cost me life.  My existence now was just simply existence... tedious, sad, burdensome existence.

In my stumbling to survive, it seemed that I only made more and more careless mistakes.  Hurting others, not thinking clearly, I repeatedly disappointed those who took me in. 

I was trapped.  Trapped in my past, my misery, my mistakes.

More and more heaped on the pile of my guilt.  As my heart yearned for that pile to diminish, it only grew and accumulated added filth.

It was crushing my chest.

I needed to wake up..... NOW!  My eyes flickered and I felt myself coming to, but something strange happened instead of waking up.

I saw THEM.  I was straining to make out distinguishable forms, but THEY kept flitting and floating and darting.  THEY were luminous and beautiful, enticing and warm.  I was drawn to THEM as if life itself stemmed from THEIR fingers.  THEY were dancing in a circle around me and I could hear song in my ears.  Was it coming from inside my head?  It seemed so.

It was a dance of rejoicing.  I don't know how I could tell this for I had not known joy for a long time.  I was afraid of joy - it hurt too much to lose it that it wasn't worth having to begin with.  I thought of this and began to build a wall of protection against THEM. 

But, THEY did not leave.  The life-dance continued.  The song continued.  THEY did not leave. 

I wondered why THEY were bothering with me.  What did THEY care? 

The song became consuming.  It told of THEM.  It was magnificent.  I was mesmerized.  I forgot about myself, swallowed up in THEM.  THEIR love and energy for one another was absolutely combustible.  There were fireworks going on in THEIR midst. 

I knew that it wasn't me that drew them to me, but it was THEM.  It was about who THEY are.  And THEY did not leave.  THEIR dance began to welcome me, to refresh me and fill me with THEIR love.  Acceptance.  Fully and sure because of THEM, not me - not my mistakes or my wrongs - nothing hindered THEIR acceptance because it was about THEM  and not me.

The burdens and weights that had bound me for so long, my wrong choices and dire consequences that had dragged me into the pit of darkness were loosed because of THEM.

THEIR life-dance exploded with laughter and love spilled over me, THEIR love.

Freedom...

Out of the Darkness

I was shivering, craddled up in a ball trying to keep out the encircling frost.  It was dark and I considered the idea that I may not live through another night.  Eyes were of no use in the blackness as I reached for grass, leaves, anything that might wrap a little warmth around me. 

"This darkness is my tomb." I spoke in a whisper for who knew what might be close enough to hear, what might be lurking within reach of me. I almost didn't care, my flicker of hope was diminishing, like the blackness might have chewed it little by little until there was only a crumb left.  Despair.

My teeth we chattering and I wrapped my own arms around myself hoping to find some type of comfort.  I began to speak to myself about hanging on and about letting go, waging war over which one was the better choice.  I was so tired, my body ready to stop the bitter fight for life.  I felt the end was near, like a black hand enclosing tightly around my throat. 

Something flickered.  Was that my mind playing tricks?  They were used to the darkness.  No.  I saw a gleam of white dazzle in a stream from above to just in front of me.  Maybe the end had come and I was no longer in reality.  It felt real as my body responded to the warmth that seeped from the light.  It wasn't bright but seemed to linger with a dim illumination warming me gradually; making my eyes adjust at a pace they could handle. Aaahh.

Baffled, I could not decide if I was alive or dead or simply dreaming.  The warmth felt so real.  Actually, the warmth was more real and intense than the light.  It felt as though I was thawing out in front of a fireplace.  My body was slowly emerging from the long cold and the warmth spread to the inner parts igniting the tinders of longing. 

I'd forgotten what longing was, I had so long been imprisioned in the blackness that it had been snuffed out.  It was powerful, so much so that I became frightened by it.  I almost uttered, "Go away" but the warmth was too soothing; I could not give it up.

It began to intensify in brightness and I could see.  Really see, not pretend to see what things looked like, but really see.  Amazed. 

The warmth and energy of the light brought birth to a display of beauty.  I could feel that my mouth was hanging open in wonder; my eyes we big saucers as I gazed.  Is this real?  I must be dead, the darkness must have gained victory over me.

The vision that the light made possible began to gather songs from my soul.  Songs?  I'd forgotten songs.  I could see the pathways that were cut beautifully in the midst of the thick tangled forest; pathways that I did not know existed.  I had spent countless tedious, energy-zapping hours traipsing through the brush when all along there were pathways!

My heart was full of something that I could not describe to be either happy or sad, but a odd mixture of both.  The light continued to unveil before my eyes the marvels of what I was unable to see in the great darkness.  It was dizzying, amazing, beautiful, instilling a new pounding in my heart; an awakining.  It was calling to me to rise. 

As I contemplated the state of my physical condition and wondered if I even had the ability to stand on my own feet, something miraculous began to happen.  Quickly, without time for me to respond, the light became condensed and filled me.  Yes, actually went in and through me.  It was beyond description.  Energy, warmth, song, dance, vitality, hope, healing, supplying.  Love.

Filled with power that the light had generated in me, I began to live out of the darkness.

Freedom....

FREEDOM!

Most of us have seen portrayals and read accounts of what people have sacrificed for freedom.  Some of us have experienced some tiny consequences in our search for freedom, but I am fairly sure that most of us have a minuscule understanding of this.

I've read many accounts of this in history.  If you're looking for examples, read 'Safely Home' by Randy Alcorn or 'Rory' can't remember the author, but so worth the read.  These two are simply the first ones that come to mind - there are MANY others.  Watch Braveheart or other such movies. 

It seems to me that I, living the life that I've lived, have a very difficult time relating to the value of freedom and the fight for it.  I'm thinking about this because I've been considering the meaning of John 8:36 where Jesus says,  "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

Because I'm a 'list' kind of person, I started making a list of things that perhaps Jesus was referring to here.

As I read through John 8, I found the following.

Things that I think Jesus has set me free from:

DARKNESS (verse12)


JUDGEMENT ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, CONDEMNATION (verse 15)


BONDAGE TO THIS WORLD (verse 23)


FALSEHOOD, DECEPTIONS, LIES (verse 32)


SIN (verse34)


THE DEVIL (verse 44)


DEAFNESS/BLINDNESS (verse 47)


SELF (verse 50)


DEATH (verse 51)



Things that I think Jesus freed me to:


LIGHT OF LIFE (verse 12)




DWELLING WITHOUT FEAR IN HIS PRESENCE (verse 15)




TRUTH (verse 32)




TRANSFORMATION BY SONSHIP AND THE INDWELLING HOLY SPIRIT (verse 34)




GOD'S LOVE (verse 44)




REVELATION (verse 47)




HIS GLORY (verse 50)




LIFE (verse 51)

Now, I'm just trying to wrap my puny brain around this idea of freedom.  Bear with me cause sometimes it takes me on an extended 'journey' to get anywhere.  This idea of freedom has grabbed hold of me and I need to work it out (at least to the best of my current ability).  Are you up for the ride?

Feel free to interject ideas and thoughts, it would be helpful to me.

Perspective

I met a man, he was called Perspective.  As I talked to him I realized that he was part of me.

"How do you know that you're right?"  I asked

"Because it only makes sense."  He replied

As I watched him, I could see that Perspective did not have very good eye sight.  I could tell that he didn't hear well all the time and I wondered at the faith he had in his impaired senses.

I wondered how he possibly could trust the accuracy of information due to his limitations.

So, I asked again, "How do you know you're right?"

"It's obvious, how could you think anything else?"  he countered.

He is blind, I thought.  Stubborn.  I felt sorry for him.  I also was angry at his arrogance and stupidity and how it injured others.

Then I remembered that he was part of me.

The foundation of true friendship

I was thinking the other day about what REALLY makes a friendship.  Unfortunately for me, I've had 'friends' that weren't really friends who at the first sign of 'heat' fled.  This generated pain - on all sides.

So, with the hopes of avoiding this in the future I have taken a step back to re-evaluate the whole thing logically.  Or at least according to my fallible logic.

As usual, I started a list.  Started writing down notes/thoughts about things.

I had a pretty decent list going and then started considering what was absolutely necessary at the very foundation.  And my list got pretty short; only 4 things:

Connection

Time

Genuineness

Unselfishness

CONNECTION:

As I think on this and consider my life experiences, I see this 'connection' as being like the spark for a friendship.  It's that thing that happens that generates a positive energy when interaction takes place.  It is a mysterious, joy-producing phenomenon that I walk away from thinking something like, 'I really like her/him.' 

It seems to me that this connection is random and I can't necessarily guess if a true connection will occur with another person until it actually happens.   Just because I have common interests with another person, or spend time with them, or if they are genuine doesn't mean this connection is a given.  So, God surprises me with these gifts - connections - with others; they are a marvel and amazing.

These people that I feel a connection with seem to remain in a cherished place in my heart no matter the space or time between us.

TIME:

To sincerely build relationship, time together is required.  Time to walk and talk of life and interesting things together.  Time to grow in understanding of personalities and backgrounds, strengths, weaknesses.  Time for tests of the genuineness of the friendship.  Time to build trust and understanding.  Time to share experiences and learn from each other.  Time to know each other and have a love for who each other really is.  Yep, time is required.

GENUINENESS:

To be involved in someone else's life requires true, genuine displays of what is real in the heart, mind and soul.  To live in the midst of friendship, it is absolutely essential to be REAL - no play acting a part.  This is what the foundation is built on and it cannot be anything but solid reality.

Yes, gentleness, kindness, patience, and tact are also important but for a relationship to flourish, it must stand on genuineness (both inside and out).  You can't put on a face with a real friend.

UNSELFISHNESS:

Mutual building up of one another based on unselfish kindness and true care for each other!  Much of the time this happens as a natural out-pouring of what already exists in the character of a person, but sometimes you become involved with someone that, quite honestly, can't move beyond self.  A true friendship cannot survive selfishness.

That's it.

Am I right?  Am I missing anything?  At the core that is.  I do realize other attributes of friendship result as the above play out... but did I miss anything foundational?

Just musing and trying to figure life out... in an effort to not have perpetual poop on my shoes.

Sh** Happens (Literally)

The funniest thing happened the other day... remember that post about stepping in the dog poop??  It appears that God has granted us an application object lesson!  And so soon!  He's like that.

Ok, so I'm out watering my garden, hose in hand making sure I don't drag it over any plants.  My Hubbie (MH), who is one to 'inspect' the garden by circling the perimeter, starts his route while I'm watering. 

Now, most of the time I'm a barefoot gardener because I don't like getting my shoes all dirty and I can just wash my feet.  MH, on the other hand, hardly ever goes without shoes.  Well, today I was wearing shoes and poor MH was barefoot.

Can you imagine where I'm going with this?

We're chit-chatting about the status of the garden when all of the sudden MH does a quick little 2-step with a cry of alarm, "IS THAT DOG POOP?"  I give a glance and give him a smiling, "Yep, sure is!"

Now, I find this humerous because MH is usually VERY cautious about where he's walking, plus he's not wearing shoes.  At this point, I'm expecting a little ranting and raving about his unfortunate accident, but he doesn't and simply continues his route.  Hmmm?

So, I've got the hose thing going on and I'm admiring the look of my garden, thinking how I'm enjoying the pretty row of zinnias that I've planted and assessing the size of various plants and whether I need to put in more seeds of this or that... and I'm being careful about where I haul that hose... and concentrating on getting just the right amount of water in just the right spots...

AND, I go tromping right through the same poop pile that MH just did!  I was in my 'garden world' la la land and didn't even realize I'd stepped in it until MH came back around and pointed it out to me.

Just to make this clear and point out my stupidity; I had just watched MH step in this doo and knew exactly where it was.

I start thinking back on my previous poop-related post and wonder about God's sense of humor in bringing more spiritual insight via this topic!

I'm thinking about how well MH took the whole incident when he confides that he didn't actually step down on it but was able to hop over it.  I, on the other hand, scuffed around in it, la la la la without even knowing it. 

What does all this mean God?

As much as I hate to admit it... MH is definately more skilled with his steps than I am.  He is naturally better at carefully trodding so as not to step in the poop (and I'm talking about in the spiritual sense).  There is an intrinsic sense built in to his giftings that enable him to 'walk carefully'.  And he helps the rest of us steer clear as well.  Most of the time this is revealled as 'wisdom', sometimes gut instinct, sometimes paranoa!

And MH usually is good at minimizing the misstep... I guess I need to realize my ease of distractedness that allows me to glide right in to the spot that he's just warned me about ...and step all over it.

I do resolve to pay better attention to his protective 'wisdom' and hopefully that will mean less crap on my shoes!

How do you look at life?

Life spits out sad things among the happy, hard things among the easy, hurt among the smiles.

Is this surprising?  In ourselves, don't we dish out the same?  We love and hurt.  We make others happy and sad.  We can be mean and selfish and merciful and comforting.  Being on the receiving end of life's handouts is no different than being on the receiving end of people's handouts.

So, what's the trick?  How can we learn to live this type of 'pinball-like' existence that showers us with oxymoronic expressions in a way that is productive, happy and joyful?

Is there any logic that we can use to sort this out? 

What if we just concentrate on the good aspects and shove the other things into oblivion?  Has anyone been able to accomplish this?  If so, please, please enlighten me with that secret.  I've tried, but the beast just doesn't stay in oblivion.

Being a person whose primary love language is quality time, I tend to lean (currently, at least) on the whole, 'quality time is more important than quantity time' thing.  What I mean by that is if we invest ourselves into soaking up the benefits of the positive times and try not to dwell on the bad might be a good option.

OR

Maybe, being careful to try to benefit from both good and bad and focus on the 'how can I learn from this?' and not on how it made me 'feel'.

OR

Repress, repress............EXPLODE!

I know from experience about that one!  It doesn't work.

I do think that it's vital to be real - genuine.  Now, I realize that being real can sometimes be tricky when it comes to irriatating people but we'll save that for another post. 

Being honest and genuine to yourself is a MUST.  Being OPEN to hear from God is the biggest MUST.  Cuz, let's face it, we don't always see right.  Sometimes, He has to rip open the shutters for us.

I do think the answer is the ever elusive BALANCE!  We cannot, and honestly, must not ignore the difficulties; we must embrace them and allow them to work their unique 'magic' in our lives.  We must also welcome in the blessings of life with appreication making the most of them as well.  And of course finding peace in His arms through all.

PS  This is easier said then done!

Watch Your Step

While on an afternoon walk today, I cautioned my daughter, "You better watch where you step, you might step in some dog poop."

Daughter #2, who was walking along as well, piped up and assured me, "That's why God gave us eyes, mom."

Hmmm?  My brain started considering this thought - God gave us eyes to see so that we wouldn't step in some poop.... hmmmm?  Is there something to this?

Stepping in poop ranks up there with other high ranking unpleasantries.  It stinks, it's smooshy, it's grose in every way.  Sometimes, even after a thorough washing, the smell lingers on.  Yuk.

Maybe God did give us eyes to help protect us from this kind of misstep.  Perhaps, we could broaden our ideas of what other things in our lives we can 'step in' that have 'similar' consequences of the spiritual kind.

Things like maybe, stepping in someone's lies, stepping in someone's hypocrisy, stepping in someone's emotional vomit, stepping in someone's manipulation or selfish ambition or self-righteousness or 'strong leadership'... (I'm sure you can insert many other nasty smelling poo - and of course the worst and most frequently stepped in is our own!)

Perhaps, our spiritual 'eyes', are meant to reveal these poop bombs before we step into them.  Perhaps, we should OPEN them up so that we can see with the eyes of enlightenment given by the Holy Spirit so that we would be saved from these tragic missteps.

Cuz, quite honestly, the smell from these types of spiritual missteps cling to us for unsavory long periods of time.  Yep, they stink us up alright.

And the tragic of the tragic is when we can no longer smell the stink of ourselves and start believing that we don't stink at all and then we actually dwell in the poop thinking that it smells lovely and are deceived into believing that others applaud us for our fragrance!

Oh, this sounds silly, but think about it.