Sitting Still

I have spent some time seeking to learn more about the practice of being still and quiet and listening; this type of meditation that leads me into a 'resting' of my thoughts so that I can have room for God to speak to me.  It seems that different people have different words to define what I'm talking about; some call it meditation, some listening prayer, some contemplation, some christian zen...

I don't care to get into any type of debate about it or what it's called, I just simply desire to grow in my level of closeness to God and have therefore in my endeavoring toward Him have learned something about this type of meditation.  I am going to call it 'sitting still.'

Over the past monthish I have been getting up early (well, earlier than anyone else around here) and sitting still with the Lord.  Getting up early has never been one of my strong points, but I have not had much difficulty in getting out of bed since I started meditating.  I'm a little amazed at the ease really, and am thankful.  I have to admit that I am using a little of Steve Pavlina's helpful hints regarding training yourself to get up early (you could check out his blog at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/).

I sort of have a routine now:

The alarm goes off - I turn it off and stretch...then sit up and put my feet on the floor.  I always do this the same and try to never 'think'... just do it.  This tactic has been very helpful in 'training' my body to respond to the alarm and get up.

I make my way to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of Kefir Tea, get Pandora up on the computer and set the station to 'Calm Meditation'.

I do run downstairs first thing and get up a child that has a hard time making it through the night dry and lead him into an early morning bathroom stop - he returns to bed in a stupor and I head upstairs for meditation.  This is irrelevant, but true to my morning routine.

I head out to my livingroom and grab my zafu (which is a round little cushion that I made for meditation - it helps me to sit lotus style a little more comfortably).

I begin by closing my eyes and taking some deep breaths and putting my mind and body in a state of 'rest' so that it is free to hear and interact with God.  This is a tough thing to do - my mind seems to want to think in overdrive all of the time and to simply NOT think is a great challenge in itself.  It is also difficult to 'forget' about your body and the urges to shift or be distracted by discomfort.  Distractions!  That's what I'm trying to overcome...

This is a simple beginning of this type of seeking to 'abide with Him' and I have found it be very enjoyable and I am hopeful for what God has for me in it all.

Finishing Feels Good

Being a mother with a bunch of kids and a housefull of re-occurring tasks, feeling like I've accomplished something has been challenging at times.

It has been nice over the years to have 'projects' of various sorts that have beginnings and ends - something FINISHED, something accomplished.

It is difficult to feel this in my regular routine.  The dishes are never done, there is always more laundry, another floor to clean, another window to wash, another meal to fix, boo-boo to put a band-aid on, nose to wipe, lesson to teach, errand to run....  At times it can feel rather suffocating-like because it seems like there is no forward movement, just perpetual tasks that are never finished.

Although there is much fruit to be seen over the years with our children, it is sometimes lost in the moments.  Meaning that it is challenging to see growth in the lives on my children on a daily basis.

Therefore, the majority of what I invest my time, effort and heart into does not provide a sense of accomplishment (at least in the moment).  Obviously, there are beautiful scenes in the midst of this kind of living that make it all worth while.  And even though it can feel like there is not accomplishment - THERE IS.

Hence, the little projects completed provide me with a nice boost of morale because I've completed something.  A job DONE.  A FINISHED product.  Something I can look at and say, "It's finally completed, you don't have to work on that again."

Today was such a day.  I finished 2 projects today and it feels nice.

Out in Left Field

Waiting...  waiting for the inning to be over?  Not really paying attention.  Not really ready for a play to come my way.  Simply taking up space, waiting.

I don't like feeling like this, or living like this.  I think both are probably more true than not right now.  It's driving me crazy.  Picking daisies in left field... la da da da da....

I'm watching the t-ball game, frustrated.  And I'm the one actually causing the frustration.  la da da da da

What am I doing?  Waiting, I think.  For what?  The riverbend to catch up to me?

Is that living in the moment?  Is that seizing the opportunities at hand?  Oh gosh, snap out of it!

Patient Unfolding

You would think that after MANY life circumstances I would have a better understanding about the manner in which much of life needs to 'unfold' before us.  There is a huge amount of patience-building in this.

It is no easy task to allow the situations of life mold and make us.  It is a painful process much of the time, and requires a significant effort to remain controlled enough to limit our impulses to jump in front of time.  I can very easily feel as though I know what must come and I desire to be assertive to make it happen.  In all honesty, this happens at times, but certainly not all of the time.  Many times, we must wait.

Waiting is tough.  Especially when we are eager for change.

But just as the plants of a garden 'unfold' into blossoms of beauty, perhaps it is best for me to remember that the unfolding of God's timing in my life holds its own beauty  -  if I will be patient to allow it to come to fruition.

Disappointment

It can be difficult in a season of challenge to believe that the end will eventually come.  I guess sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.

I am one such - hard to believe it will end person at the moment.  Yet in all of who I am, I NEED it to change.  I need to move out of this season.  It seems that I have done it all here (kicked, screamed, sought, been patient, pleaded. begged, found some good, lived through lots of bad, have continually fought to look at the bright side of the situation.... believed that God was in it, doing His work).

Oh God, what more do You have for me in this season.  Please bring forth 'spring'.

I wonder at putting these words out there.  Am I crying out for help?  Am I seeking sympathy?  From God I guess I am.  But for me, this writing is a way to release this pain from inside me to bring me the ability to go on.  So, I am sorry if you read this; it is for me.  It's not meant to raise a 'response' from anyone.

I want to believe that my season is coming to an end.  I want to believe that just up ahead, just around the riverbend, just over this next ridge, just beyond today.... the change is at hand.  Yet I have been seeking this for so long perhaps I have lost hope, or perhaps I have lost any confidence that it will actually occur.

Just as only the very tip of the iceberg is above water, I tend to think that our vitality is due to our inner being and only the tip is physical.  This season of circumstances is my tip but who I am through it in my inner being is the real issue.  I think I get that.  Yet so much of this season of difficulty is all about the challenges to the inner being.  One perpetuates the other...

And just when I think that there is a change at hand (and for me this has been rapped up in the inner being mostly) it somehow fades without coming - or perhaps I don't have eyes to see clearly.

I'm drowning today in this.  Yet, I believe that I will keep walking, keep seeking, keep longing for that 'light at the end of the tunnel' - the change of this season.  I will live through this disappointment yet again, believing that God does have a change coming in His own timing.  Believing that He will be faithful to complete His work.  Believing that this journey is for our good.  Believing that He will help me to walk according to His Holy Spirit in it, knowing full well that abiding with Him is my answer.

Seasons...The Rhythms of our Journey

Remember learning about the four seasons?  Coloring pictures of snow and a snowman for winter, leaves falling off the trees for autumn, a huge hot sun for summer and the new growth of flowers for spring?

Being from the northeast, I know all about these seasons from experience!  We are a very blessed group to have the full beauty of the four seasons come alive for us each year.  Honestly, there is significant and unique beauty in each season.  There is also challenge in each, and... some have greater challenges than others.

Living through the rhythms of these seasons over the years has provided needed changes and variations in activities that help to keep us thriving and excited about living.  Usually, when the season is about to change, people are ready for the coming excitement of something different.

I wonder if there might be an amazing parable authored by the hand of God in these seasons.  That by our journey through these weather patterns and nature cycles, it is reflective of our spiritual journey.  And I wonder what defined seasons there could be for our spiritual journey.  Doesn't it seem possible that just like the 4 physical seasons loop in a continuous rhythm there may be spiritual seasons in our lives that have a cyclic rhythm as well?  I wonder...

Consider the beauty and the challenges... and the need for the next season to take over when the time is right.  There are many more parallels that can be drawn as well, but I'll leave you some room for chewing it around.

I Can Only See What Makes Sense to Me...

Two little girls came into the world.  Born on the same day, with all of humanity's innate longings and love...

Lily was warm; the cozy room was full of family and love in kind conversation.  Happy faces communicated hope and security.  Looking ahead filled with faith of what would come and the unfolding of a picture of a life of happy adventure.  This was how she grew up.

Rose sat alone; cold in a barren room waiting for her over-worked mother to return.  There was not even hope for her in her mother's coming for she was beaten from her work and nothing remained for Rose, nothing but sharing in despair.  Hard, hopeless survival without light at the end of any conceivable tunnel.  This is how she grew up.

These girls grew into women.

Lily was vibrant, full of youthful excitement about life.  She was quick to try new things without concern for she was well aware of the unconditional love that flowed to her from her parents.  She made some mistakes but was able to learn from them and found success in abundance and balance.  Life seemed to call out to her with an invitation to challenges and adventure that filled her with hope, love and living fully.  She was ready to tackle was was next in life.

Rose was hard.  Her face only responding as was necessary for survival.  Nothing was real - it was only what had to be done.  She had no experience of tenderness or true kindness.  She knew only of taking.  Of people wanting and there being a price for everything.  Men bought her for a price.  She closed tight all real feelings and became stone.  She had tried to run, tried to change her circumstances - the cost was a pain too great to bare.  There was only hurt left for her; life was all pain.  She tucked those feelings of hurt and pain far into the depths of herself to keep from crumbling all together.

Can Lily understand Rose?  Can Rose understand Lily?  If they both witnessed the same scene, would their interpretation be the same?

They can only see what makes sense to them!

It is vital for us to remember that we walk in no one's shoes but our own.  We cannot and should not expect anyone to be the same.  Judging others finds a whole new perspective when looked at from this angle.